It’s what I’ve been living since you left. Everything is different and yet nothing has changed except that I’ve been completely isolated from my previous life. The life I lived while you were in it. How is that possible? How do I make it through each day without you here?


Separation. Isolation. Set apart as to be alone. Your death set me apart from everyone. In an instant my whole world changed and the future that once was us is no longer there. I can’t navigate this new life because I don’t have a map of any kind. I have no idea what the future holds because all I have left are memories. When I allow myself to visit, the past is where my heart lives.


The future is now anyone’s guess but my present does nothing to keep my past at bay. The memories fuel thoughts of despair. Oh how I wish those moments in time, where you were happy and full of life would make me smile. Instead they fill me with a longing for your presence that is impossible to fill.


It is what I must do to stay alive. Yes, to stay alive I must isolate all thoughts and memories of you away from me. The consequence is falling down the rabbit hole and allowing the feelings of loss to wash over me constantly. They have the ability to drown me and I can’t breathe. I can’t function. So I must give myself permission to visit only occasionally. Permission to visit where my heart lives.


My present and my future. My new forever.

-Hilaire Phillips

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